I had a brief appointment with my undergrad advisor today.  Turns out I'm all set to graduate in the fall.

For the last few years I've been anticipating getting the hell out of Tallahassee and Florida altogether, but now that there's a date, a discernible time frame for my departure, well, I'm trying to figure out how I feel...

It's scary, but not in a stressful way.  I'm anxious, but reluctant.  Mostly it feels like a lot of pressure from a lot of pregnant emptiness.

The economy isn't exactly in a supportive mood and I don't know how well it'll treat someone without a vivid, ambitious area of expertise.  International Affairs and English.  What can I do with that?  What can't I do?

I'll be taking the LSAT in September as a rather lackadaisical stumble in the direction of law school and something my parents will be thrilled at.  Law school = lawyer = money = success.  That's the formula they use to calculate how much to love their challenged child.

I once openly accused my mother: "You only love me based on what I can accomplish!"  Her response?

"Of course."

I guess I think that's messed up.  But is there really anything unconditional in the world anymore?

That's a part of the emptiness I sense from the future.  I used to be such a sweet girl.  The older I get, the more people I meet, the more I see, the more I learn that being sweet only gets you hurt real bad. 

I don't know how to be genuinely myself with people who don't value people.  There are so many of us.  If I screw over Jane Doe today, hey, I can always be friends with Susie Whatsherface tomorrow.  Until some shit goes down with her, then I'll just move on again and again because I have 500 Facebook friends to choose from...

I don't know how to bring someone into my life without trusting them, knowing them, believing in them.  Am I asking for too much when I ask for honesty, decency, an open mind?  I guess am.  Honestly, I want even more than just those things, and I don't have to explain what they are.  If you can't already see, how can I ever help you to understand?

I'm not just being sentimental here; I'm trying my damnedest to envision my future, and shockingly unable to do so because there are so many contradictions pulling me apart...

That's such a pessimistic way to think though, isn't it? I don't want to be closeminded.

No matter what I think I can't live with, the fact is, I'll have to live with it anyway.  This is a pointless entry.  Shut up Ami.  Go watch a funny movie and paint your nails a new color.

I'm just tired.